#118 April 28.

#118 April 28.

Part of being so depressed (like I’m feeling right now) is I busy my life with a
hundred different obligations to a hundred different people or groups, so on any
given night there’s somebody or some group of people expecting me somewhere. It
keeps my mind off being depressed for the most part, the downside being if I
really wanted to truly disappear I couldn’t ’cause I’d be missed to easily.
Sometimes I wish I could do like my friend did ewhen he killed himself and just
be forgotten about for a whole week and in the meantime just totally waste away
into the carpet and the floor, which have to get thrown out for sanitary reasons
and there’s nothing left of you that anybody really wants to remember.
Sometimes I just wish I could disappear into the ether and just vanish and not
have anybody know where I was or care ’cause then that would at least be
consistent with what I get from the world the rest of the time… You’re only
valuable to people when they risk losing something to torture or gush all
over…I’m really sick of getting to just be a placeholder in other peoples

-Stephen Okay

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