#119 April 29.

#119 April 29.

and to make it worse, none of this is anyone’s fault. it just *is*,
and there’s not a lot that can be done about it right now. so when i
say “bitch, moan, gripe, blah blah blah” and he says “you want out?”
and little icy knives go through my spine and i don’t wanna even think
about it and he says “then deal,” i know he’s right. but it hurts to
deal with it. fuck rational logic.

i thought about my job today. i tried to imagine myself doing this for
any length of time. actually, i was thining about how it would be
affected by election day, and i thought of all the phonecalls and rude
people between now and then and i just felt leaden. i don’t hate the
job, ijust don’t likeit. i’ve never had a job i did like, come to
think of it. it’s not to the stage where the thought of going in to
work gives me nausea yet, but what am i sposed to do then??

and on top of all the lifestress and the absolute panic-stricken
terror i feel when i contemplate this weekend, when he’ll be here, and
the disillusionment with my life and the stress of being only a year
from 30 now and wondering what the fuck it’s all *for*, on top of all
that, on the one place i felt i could come and say whatever was in my
head i’m being told that i’m just not depressed enough, not angstful
enough. fuck it.

-sine