#150 May 30.

#150 May 30.

I can’t get to sleep at night any more – I go to bed at maybe 2am, finally
get to sleep at around 6 or 7, and sleep fitfully until around 2pm, them get
up at maybe 4:00. Staying in bed during the day is nice; there are no
hassles, you can hide in the semi-sleeping state you get after waking up
for hours… but it’s not good for you, and it can’t go on once I go home for
the Christmas vacation.

A couple of weeks ago I was walking around the town, feeling very alone, and
somehow relishing that feeling while at the same time hating it. I decided I
needed a complete change of scenery, and bought a ticket on the next train to
London. Wandering around London in the early hours of the morning was great
– it was completely new (I’d never been there much before, and never alone)
and really cleared my head; I remember wandering through the Barbican Centre
at around 1am, there was no-one but me about, and these huge blocks of flats
towered above me in this huge empty space… it was more exhilarating than
anything I’ve ever done. I was stopped by a policeman, and wound up chatting
to him for about fifteen minutes about who I was and what I was doing there.
I got back to Kings Cross sometime before dawn, when the first train back was
about to leave, feeling so much better about myself and my situation and my
state of mind than I had for a long long time, but as soon as I got back here
that feeling just faded away and I was left as alone as I has been before I
went. The journey hadn’t been wasted, but it hadn’t helped, if you see what
I mean.

-Richard Hindle

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