#151 May 31.

#151 May 31.

‘Things went completely out of hand when ‘Spot’ died. I started taking
sedatives. But when someone called them ‘loony-smarties’ I threw them in
the fireplace. Instead I started drinking and eating excessively. I gained 30
kilos. Doesn’t look well on something that was going downhill anyway.
‘Spot’ was a real german shepard that I got from an animals hospital 10 years
ago. She had been beaten. She never became anything but a little, weak dog.
I’ve never been able to talk to other girls. I’ve always been with men. ‘Spot’
was my female friend. She understood what I said. Was happy when I was happy.
Was sad when I was. When we were alone in the house without light and heat we
went to bed together. Shared a hob-nob. And then we talked, until we fell
asleep.
‘Spot’ is the only living creature that has loved me for being just me. She
didn’t expect to get anything back. She soothed me when I was ill.
I’ve experienced a lot with ‘Lassie’, and like him a lot. But it’ll never be
the same as with ‘Spot’. ‘Lassie’ has been unfaithful to me. He’s an
every-girls-dog. ‘Spot’ was mine. Completely mine. That’s why I had such a
shock when she died. And started drinking. I feel like the loneliest human being
now that ‘Spot’ is dead.
I fell and fell. ‘When will I reach the bottom?’ I often ask myself these
days. When I look in my scrap book…I cannot understand..I..It’s like looking
back on your future. I have always had the will to get the best out of each and
every day. It hasn’t been a success. I didn’t have skill and luck required to do
this. Now it’s too late. I can’t go back and change the things…

-Bodil Joensen

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