#176 June 25.

#176 June 25.

Grad school was as bad as I feared it might be, but dropping out seems
to have gone better than I thought it could, it seems like a bit of a
waste that I spent so much time worrying about it. It does make it
that much more obvious that I’ll end up an irrelevant insignificant
speck, but what the hell, I knew that already, at least I’ll probably
be a speck with a little bit of money, not that that ought to be
consolation. Planning to be nothing, I think, is better than
planning to be God; for one thing, there are a lot more nothings than
there are Gods; if you’re going to be nothing, then the worthless
project you’re on now means a lot more. I don’t know which is more
distracting, God-fantasies or Hell-fantasies; I just hope screwing up
won’t bother me so extremely next time, and perhaps by expecting to be
zero, I can at least avoid one of the two sorts of useless fantasies:
if I expected to be God, then reality would force me to consider the
opposite type of fantasy as well.

-Eric Boesch

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