#197 July 16.

#197 July 16.

All I’m doing is belatedly adopting the rules other people live by, regardless
of what they tell themselves. I’m not entirely happy about it. It’s a
compromise. I’d like things to be more friendly, and more fair, but
they’re not, and as far as I can tell, never will be. If I were younger,
maybe I could get the idealistic thing to work. I tried it a few times, and
sometimes it seemed like it could work under the right conditions. At my
current age, it doesn’t seem too likely anymore. I’d be fooling myself, and
I’m sick of fooling myself.

What I won’t give up is my integrity, because it’s all I have left.
I’ll be an asshole if I have to be, but if you ask me what I’m doing, I’ll
tell you that I’m being an asshole. I have no problem with this. Well, I
have some problems with it, but it’s part of a necessary compromise.

My big gripe is with the sort of woman who has this vestigial guilt about,
say, cheating on her current boyfriend. But, like, she’ll *do* it, just
so long as she can attribute all guilt to the other guy (i.e. me). Every
sort of physical interaction must be *my* idea. She never actually says yes
to anything. Maybe she wants me and hints and hints and hints, but
she holds out from giving genuine consent because she can’t stand the guilt.

-Paul Callahan

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