#201 July 20.

#201 July 20.

I seem to enjoy wallowing in angst, or bad situations in general. Give me a
death in my family (none, unfortunately) or a good war or disaster or a failed
or unfulfilled relationship or just general loneliness or even an angstful
realization of the pointlessness of my own existence. Why? because no matter
what the external situation is, I still feel pain. I can be distracted from it
for a time, perhaps even for a while, but as soon as the dust clears, the climax
is reached, the party ends or even is still for a moment, I still feel it, deep
inside.

Having a focus for it, any focus, any cause, makes me feel better. That way I
at least think I know why I hate life.

You might say “You’re responsible for your pain, deal with it, do something
about it. You don’t have to be in a painful situation”, but the pain bas been
an inseparable part of life for me. I am the pain. It was there before I
existed as a conscious being. It almost doesn’t make sense for it not to be
there.

-Brian Murphy

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