#202 July 21.

#202 July 21.

Actually, I still don’t quite really believe that existence is possible without
pain. For years I wondered how everyone else was so good at pretending to be
happy, while I could never quite keep up the sham for long. I still almost
believe they’re just “unconscious” of their fate, a different species, not like
me.

Clinical depression? Probably. Curable? Maybe. But the problem is deeper
than just a failure to try to have fun, or a failure to purge the ill humours.
For a long time I thought it was, that there was some easy fix, some magic
“happy” behavior I just wasn’t getting right. I’ve come to realize that I have
to recognize and deal with the inside pain before the outside pain matters (as
more than a mirror to reveal what’s inside).

-Brian Murphy

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