#265 September 22.

#265 September 22.

So, what’s it like when you start to doubt reality? Unpleasant.
You can suddendly get panic attacks which are horrible. Then the eerie feeling
that reality doesn’t exist, coupled with the inevitable depression. Very
painful. It starts with the feeling that your percepcion and consciousness is
somehow out of tune, like a concussion of the brain. This can last very long,
and in periods of frequent feelings of reality-breakdown you come to distrust
your senses, often checking them to see if they’re giving you the right input.
Sleep is a big problem, and so are the books of Philip K. Dick and Stanislaw
Lem. You begin to fear Wittgenstein, and spend long stretches of time watching
your hand, uncertain if it’s yours. And who you are that own the hand. Am I a
person that can look at a hand, and use it, or is it my hand? What does exist
mean, and do I do it? Does the universe exist? Alone.


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