#50 February 19.

#50 February 19.

oh ghod. it’s been another one of those times when i can’t get to sleep
without crying myself into exhaustion first. i can’t stop thinking about
how worthless i am, and i feel like such a weakling for needing someone to
tell me that i’m not. so i have a degree. i want someone to celebrate it
for me. i told my mother and i got a “that’s nice dear”, and then an abrupt
subject change. i want someone to tell me i’ve done a great thing. hell,
i’m through college with no intstiutional loans or grants. i’ve worked
2-4 jobs every semester and my gpa is respectable. but worst of all, i feel
like a fool and a weakling for needing the attention, needing someone to
tell me “i done good”. i’ve cried so much in the last few weeks. it’s more
than just being unemployed. i can get a cheezy job somewhere. it’s that i
feel like a waste of time and resources. and they were all my own.

i know that i should be able to tell myself that i’ve done well, that i
shouldn’t need someone else’s approval. but knowing that makes it even more
difficult to stop crying. my dogs are wonderin what’s wrong. the funny noises
i’m making confuse them. but at least i tire myself out so that i can go
to sleep without the whirlwind of terror whipping through my brain.

i’m tired in the daytime, but i can’t sleep at night…

-rachel j. perkins

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