Posted on August 17, 2017
#229 August 17.
From the alt.angst FAQ by Erik Radmall
Other than that, you can use the rule of thumb that states “If it feels
bad, post it.” Chicken Little is an excellent example of someone who
should have posted to this group. Here, the sky is always falling. Our
world is in constant crisis with spectres of war, famines and starvation,
poverty, abuse of the environment, racism and bigotry, corrupt leaders,
religious zealotry, fear of death, and soured personal relationships,
not to mention the biggies, like “what is life all about, anyway?”
This should leave no shortage of “angstogens” for your personal angst
We all embrace angst here. It is what defines our existence. After all,
what use would life be if everything was easy and there was nothing to
worry about? Angst is a necessary element in the growth and development
of any human being. It is what builds character. It provides contrast
and depth to the human experience. In fact, it is so important that
people without any *real* forms of angst often create it. Diseases like
hypochondria, some forms of depression, and a host of other “ailments”
are all indicative of someone suffering from a low angst level.
Posted on August 16, 2017
#228 August 16.
I recently discovered that whenever I whined/complained/lamented about my
life, I was always presented with a bunch of strong advice, like commit
myself to Siddha yoga, volunteer, meditate, take a vacation, visit the
parents, extension classes, etc.
At first I was terribly impressed with the people who fervently believed
in something and wished that I could have the same kind of faith which
would essentially answer all questions and provide me with a purpose and
plenty of activities and service, maybe even a SO.
But that isn’t who I am and so it never works. I think it’s natural to
question one’s purpose. Actually there is no purpose. Even people doing
terribly dramatic things can always find someone who’s beat them to do
something even more dramatic. My personal insight is that there’s
nothing I can physically _do_ to make my life this great “thing.”
Supposedly things should be like this or that if it’s really good
(according to society), but that has never proved to be true.
Posted on August 15, 2017
#227 August 15.
On the crisis line that I worked with for 5+ years, about half of
our “chronics” were wankers… The other half seemed mainly to depend on the
crisis line as a means of reaffirming their own existence, mainly by trying to
get some sort of reaction out of us. This usually took the form of threatening
to take their own lives or, occasionally, the lives of others. Quite often,
these people were very dismayed that (a) we took their suicidal/homicidal
threats seriously, or that (b) we had come to realize that they were crying
wolf. Enough exposure to this type, and the idealistic volunteer is back to
square one, or square -1, even.
feeling “real” is a random occurrence in my life.
Posted on August 14, 2017
#226 August 14.
so tired that i couldn’t even sleep
so many secrets i couldn’t keep
promised myself i wouldn’t weep
one more promise i couldn’t keep
it seems no one can help me now
i’m in too deep there’s no way out
this time i have really led myself astray
runaway train never coming back
wrong way on a one-way track
seems like i should be getting somewhere
somehow i’m neither here nor there
Posted on August 13, 2017
#225 August 13.
This is the age old question, ‘Is there any purpose or meaning to this existence ?’
to which we on alt.angst have come to resounding conclusion that the answer is a
fat ‘No’. It keeps you comfortable and vaguely amused and prevents you from getting
too bored, but the weeks and the months fly by and your life is passing and before
you know it all the years are gone and you look back and think ‘What did I do in
my life ?’, ‘Where did all those years go ?’. The answer being that you were just
another average person living an average life, no point, no purpose, just because.
So, I believe that one should at least attempt to avoid the average, because the
world is full of ‘average people’ and it doesn’t need anymore. Of course this
is not so easy in a world designed and constructed in such a way as to channel
you into average sort of behaviour. Also you put your comfortable life style at
risk and if things go wrong you likely-as-not will wish you could go back to your
But I for one MUST do something. I’m terrified that I will wake up one day and
twenty years will have passed and I will be still in the same town, doing the
same sort of job etc etc. I don’t yet know how or when or what, but something.
Posted on August 12, 2017
#224 August 12.
i mean, in theory, i have almost everything you could want: a job that
pays enough to live on but doesn’t take up too much of my time,
creative projects that intrigue me, amusing housemates who keep
domestic life from being too lonely or dull, friends all over the
place (real-life and virtual), stuff to do on weekends, dates every
now and then, occasional experiments with mind-altering chemicals,
books to read, a diet that’s working really well… if you described
my life to me, i’d think “wow, cool, sounds fun.”
but it all tastes distant, like it’s something i’m reading about in
the paper, not something i’m living. except for periodic flashes of
intensity (that usually don’t last more than a few hours at best), the
day-to-day reality of meness is *boring*. i get up, check in on the
net, go to work, go home, eat dinner, go to sleep. trundle, trundle,
the freedom ball rolls across a few more inches of floorboard before i
collapse into sleep. and sleeping’s just so i’ll have the energy to
push the ball a tiny bit further the next day. but where am i going
with this? what’s the point? is there any reason to keep moving? if i
keep it going for a few more days, it’ll be friday and i can get
vaguely intoxicated and go let music flow through me like a shower and
everything will feel deeply meaningful for three hours. then i’ll go
home and go to sleep again. i don’t even think having a permanent
lover would change much; it would just make things inside my hamster
ball all that more crowded.
Posted on August 11, 2017
#223 August 11.
I’ve given up drugs and drinking so I can study (and hopefully pass)
my orals. Now that I’m straight and sober all the time, I’ve re-realized how
much my life sucks. No hobbies, no girlfriends, good at nothing but school &
pool. And if anyone mentions the latter as some sort of silver lining: Fuck
Off. I miss my self-inflicted hazy perceptions.
“Admit Nothing. Blame Everyone. Be Bitter.”
Posted on August 10, 2017
#222 August 10.
We are signing the final divorce decree tomorrow.
tick.. tick.. tick..
There’s not a damn thing in the world to do about it.
tick.. tick.. tick..
Did you ever feel like you were watching your life end in slow motion?
tick.. tick.. tick..
Posted on August 9, 2017
#221 August 9.
>Wow. I’ve never really thought about it this way, but y’know, it
>really does seem to work out that way. Either it’s obvious very
>early on that there’s going to be boinking action / intamacy, or
>it ends up in a months-long quest with little reward and ultimately
>ends in failure.
But of course, every relationship I was in prior to discovering that
rule fit it, and none of the relationships I’ve been in since I discovered
it have fit.
There’s probably another rule in that, but I don’t want to find it.
Posted on August 8, 2017
#220 August 8.
I had a work dream and alt.angst dream in one yesterday, a well-packaged,
merchandisable dream, so of course I have to tell everyone about it. It
had a nice obvious moral that I will ignore, which in part was “don’t
tell them all about it.” But dreaming about work makes me want to sing
with joy: Hymn #507, “Snap me into place and turn me in circles
forever, God, I’m happy to be a cog.”
In the dream, I start in the front yard of this hotel, and I repeatedly
fuck up, I don’t remember how. Somehow fucking up equals ending up
further and further back in the yard, and the part of the yard is
physically identical to the paper I’m creating life-graphs on;
unfortunately the graph keeps straying below the bottom of the paper so
I keep having to start over while displaying lower and lower ranges of
the life-quality-axis. But I fix the problem once and for all by making
sure the life-quality-axis goes all the way to the back fence, where the
dumpster is; I end up right in the dumpster but at least I have my nice
neat graph of it, The End.